Trailer round-up!

In lieu of anything actually resembling content I decided to throw up links to some trailers you may not have seen.

1. Command Performance

Dolph Lundgren is a Rock Drummer who fights terrorists at a Rock Concert. That's all I need to say.

Command Performance

2. Hot Tub Time Machine

Just watch it.

Hot Tub Time Machine

3. Ninja Assassin

Korean star, the inexplicably titled 'Rain' stars in James McTeigue's follow up to 'V for Vendetta'. Lots of action, though I don't think the 'Assassin' part of the title was needed, what else is he going to do? Sell Insurance?

Ninja Assassin

4. The Book of Eli

Finally the Hughes Brothers return to film making. 'Dead Presidents' is probably one of the best films of the 90's, and not nearly enough people have seen it.

The Book of Eli

5. Alice In Wonderland

I don't really know why I'm recommending this. If this was about 10 years ago I'd be all over it, instead all I see is Tim Burton being Tim Burton, and Johnny Depp being weird. Too many flashbacks to 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'.

Alice In Wonderland

The Room

"You're tearing me APART Lisa!" - Johnny (Tommy Wiseau) gives it all he's got.


It’s hard to make something that’s misguided in almost every aspect of production. Usually there’s something that just goes ‘right’, a little nugget of production that just works, despite everyone’s best efforts to make sure that it doesn’t. I’ve seen two films to date that achieve this rare feat. One is the forever-in-the-back-of-my-mind ‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’ and the other is now ‘The Room’.

I’m a little late to ‘The Room’ as I suspect most people who see the film will be. This little film, released in 2003 has since grown on with a ‘Shawshank Redemption’ like word of mouth campaign. Once you’ve seen it it’s easy to see why. The film is a remarkable achievement, a cornucopia of failure. Whether it’s the writing, directing or of course the Acting, nothing ‘works’. It’s a perfect storm of defeat.

As a quick example, I’ve seen the film 3 times now but am still perplexed as to what room the title is referring to. Sure the film takes place mostly in a Room, or a series of rooms, but the title leads us to believe that there’s something mysterious going on there, not unlike something from ‘The Twilight Zone’. For that matter it’s not really one ‘Room’ per se. We’re just in a room a lot of the time because Lisa doesn’t seem to do anything that bitch about Johnny and drink wine (We do learn that she’s in the ‘Computer Business’ though any more information than that is in danger of being character development, and is disregarded).

Writer/Director/Producer/Star Tommy Wiseau plays Johnny. Living in San Francisco he’s a banker of some vaguely European origin (I still don’t know where that accent is from – and Wiseau himself isn’t telling). He lives with Lisa, his soon to be Wife. It’s also mandatory that everyone in the film describes her as “Beautiful”. She isn’t. Now I’m not going to put down someone for their looks, that certainly isn’t fair. But it wouldn’t go mentioned if not for the fact that simply every character in the film has to comment on her, so much so that it makes you think they’re referring to some off screen character that just happens to share the same name. Lisa also happens to be having an affair with Johnny’s best friend Mark, an Owen Wilson looking fella with a rocking beard. Also of note is Johnny and Lisa’s neighbour Denny who has a creepy fascination with the couple, to the point of following them up to bed when they’ve made it very clear they’re about to have sex. Just one revelation about the character is that at one point Johnny was planning to adopt him (WHAT!) but instead he’s just paying his rent until he graduates from College. For the record it’s really not clear how old he is. He looks like he should be in College but acts like he’s still in High School. Oh and Denny deals drugs. Can’t forget that important plot development that comes out of nowhere.

If you think that I’m taking a while to get to the plot of ‘The Room’ then you can keep waiting. The film has a blatant disregard for things like Plot or Character and instead goes by its own rules. An act which serves to remind you just how important things like Plot and Character are. Still, it’s all done so earnestly; there’s no feeling that the cast are in on the joke. They just deliver the lines they’re given and they do their best with them. Though as you’ll see even that isn’t good enough.

One of the many many things wrong with ‘The Room’ is that Wiseau seemingly can’t see a character without greeting them with the salutation “Oh Hi...” At one point he even says it to a Dog (“Oh Hi Doggie”). People entering a room (THE ROOM!) almost serves as a constant surprise to Wiseau, as if he expects to go throughout his Day without ever seeing another person.

Still, at the end of all this all I can tell you is that ‘The Room’ cannot really be seen. It must be experienced. The plethora of Youtube clips don’t prepare you for the insanity on display. Whether it’s just the inexplicable decision to shoot the Roof scenes via Green Screen instead of you know...on a Roof or the weird bone that protrudes from Lisa’s neck for a while. I will say this; the film manages to draw you in. You think about it for days afterwards, I’ve started countless conversations with “Oh hi...”, complete with Wiseau accent and then laughed to myself with no one else knowing why. 'The Room' consumes you. I want to show it to all of my friends to make sure I’m not experiencing some kind of fever dream where I’m haunted by a man who looks like a cross between Jean Claude Van Damme, Victor Schiavelli and with hair by Michael Bolton.

Now that I’ve had ‘The Room’ in my life, I can’t imagine a time without it.

Bonus clip: Lisa's Beauty

The Daily Mail are idiots.

Nothing to add other than the title really. The Daily Mail, the paper read only by people who are worried that the end of the world will come from the hand of Immigrants.

It's this kind of shitty journalism that led to the Video Nasties debacle in the 80's. "I've not seen this film, and I'm not going to, but I'm going to offer my opinion on this FILTH anyway".

The sooner the Daily Mail is filed under 'fiction' the better.

Article here.

That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore

Here in Cardiff the wonderful Chapter Cinema hosted the ‘Bad Movie Club’. It’s an idea I wished I’d thought of, show renowned “Bad movies” and people will flock to enjoy them, ironically or otherwise. As a brief digression I think a Movie can be both bad and good at the same time. It’s certainly possible to enjoy a film despite recognizing precisely why other people find it so awful (The classic ‘Commando’ is proof of that – the film is really quite bad but somehow it just works). It’s the very definition of a “guilty pleasure”, a concept I really don’t agree with, if you enjoy a film then you enjoy it. There shouldn’t be anything to feel guilty about. Anyway, the club itself isn’t a bad idea. If you build up an audience you can share your experiences of ‘Bad Movies’ and track them down, a real community experience. Except with this club they have 2 ‘Commentators’ who insist on talking over the film and making “jokes” at its expense. You will notice the quotations over the word “Jokes” there (See! I did it again). And for good reason.

Now in the interest of full disclosure I will say I’m a fan of ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000’. The cult show, now sadly ended, featured a man on a spaceship with two Robot Pals, who would appear as silhouette at the bottom of the screen while the film was playing and make jokes. However, that show was genuinely funny. It was also vastly ahead of its time. Thanks to the YouTube age, anyone can put a clip of something together while they talk over it (Or make farting noises – a worrying trend). However, there’s a reason they were on the TV and everyone else is on YouTube – they’re funny.

The MST3K crew (As us fans call them) would get tapes of films that were in the public domain, which often meant they were the worst of the worst (Manos: The Hands of Fate). The writers would then watch the film, and then watch it again, and again, and again until they were utterly sick of it. All the while they’d write jokes, then delete them or work on them. Then write some more. These days some Jackass with a copy of ‘Cobra’ on DVD and a Microphone suddenly thinks they’re a stand up comedian. Plus, if you’re going to ‘Comment’ on a film, pick one that’s more deserving of your Ire, I mean nothing you say will be funnier to witness than the sight of Vernon Wells as the most Gay villain in Cinematic History.



See? Look at him! Replete with Chainmail vest and Freddie Mercury ‘tache, the mere sight of Wells is enough to provoke laughter. Why ruin that? It’s like being down the Pub while your friend tells a joke and a considerably more annoying friend decides to expand on the Punch line, prompting everyone else to stare down into their drinks and wish ill feelings on the poor sod.

So why do it? I was planning on doing an interview of some kind with the Bad Movie Club but they’re now (Sadly) defunct. Maybe they grew up and realised they weren’t funny. Or maybe they just realised that people don’t reserve the same dislike for these films that they themselves do, and find enjoyment just from watching without the need to throw bad jokes at it. Either way, if I'm watching Commando, the only bad jokes I want to hear are my own.

What's in the Box?

On many a social occasion, whether it be a party or just a casual gathering, I’ve been called into question for my love of ‘Murder She Wrote’. Yes you read that right. I have a love for the adventures of Jessica Fletcher and I’m simply not ashamed of it. I recognise why people wouldn’t like it, and I’m not really going to try and defend the show. But after many an occasion of trying to distill my love for the show into a ready response for whenever the situation arises, I came to the conclusion that it’s as simple as this.

I love mysteries.

I like the feeling of being intrigued. I love the set up and I love the denouement. I’ll gladly sit there and watch shows like ‘Criminal Minds’, ‘CSI’ (Not Miami – God not Miami), ‘The Closer’ and ‘Lie To Me’ because I just love the mystery. I love trying to figure things out. It’s not always satisfying. Indeed one of the worst things is having a really interesting mystery end really badly. But I like the not knowing things and I like being kept in the dark. The worst that can happen is having everything spelled out to you in minute detail so that no stone is left unturned. It’s the moment the mystery vanishes, and though we’re always curious to see who did it and why, it’s never the same once you’re told. Everyone wants to know how the Magician does his trick, but no one really wants to know.

One of my favourite shows is ‘Lost’. And apart from the characters, it’s the fact that the show has things it still wants to reveal to me that keeps me coming back. It’s a hook, and I’ll take it gladly. Pun aside, the idea of being lost in a show is such a great experience. There’s no greater response than “I have no idea what’s going on”. I’m sure that Lost won’t be able to end in a completely satisfying way, it’s in danger of buckling under its own ideas, but I’m OK with that, and I made peace with that fact a long time ago.

Sometimes it’s the journey that counts, not the destination.

Now if you’ll excuse me, a painting has gone missing and someone’s just been murdered...admit it, you’re intrigued.