Review: Ingorious Basterds

Cinema is at the heart of Quentin Tarantino’s ‘Inglorious Basterds’ (The misspelling is intentional). To be more specific it’s the power of Cinema, more than anything else, which is at the forefront of this remarkable film.

As the Poster and Trailers serve to remind us. The film is ostensibly about a team of Jewish-American Soldiers who lead an Apache resistance against the Nazi’s. Their goal is to be as cruel to the Nazi’s as they are to pretty much everyone else...oh and they do so by collecting their scalps. As it is though that comprises about 20% of the film, while the rest is dedicated to Cinema owner Shosanna, who we see escaping the massacre of her family at the film’s opening. She crosses paths with Frederick Zoller, a now famous Nazi who fended off 300 Allied soldiers all on his own and is the subject of the propaganda film ‘Nations Pride’. Given that he’s smitten with the young Cinema owner it only seems right that the premiere be held at her Cinema.

That’s really all I’m going to give away about the plot, except to say that cutting a swathe through all this is Colonel Landa, who goes by the moniker “The Jew Hunter” for reasons that should be obvious. All of these plots do come together, though not in the way people will expect (Unless you’re one of those who decided to read the leaked script first and spoil all the fun).

The film is a step up for Tarantino, a director who was already quite comfortably “Up there” to begin with. It no longer feels like he’s cribbing influences and just mixing them together (Not that there’s anything wrong with that, even despite all that Tarantino has held his own voice, albeit one that’s influenced by other film makers). However with this film Tarantino has created something that although seems influenced by other genre’s (Western, exploitation) is in fact a complete original work of art. Gone are the moments where well read Cinemagoers will exclaim “Well that’s just from a little known John Sturges film”. It’s heavily influenced by all movies and yet...it doesn’t feel like it is.

I appreciate that this has turned into more of a love letter than any kind of review, and I’m not going to apologise for that. I’m sorry I just won’t! The performances are universally great across the board, though if I do have a minor complaint is that outside of Brad Pitt as Aldo Raine and ‘Hostel’ director Eli Roth as Donny “The Bear Jew” Donowitz, the other ‘Basterds’ get the short shrift. As with every other review for the film I’m going to have to give credit to Christoph Waltz as Landa. Tarantino said that Waltz could go toe to toe with Samuel L Jackson in turning his words into poetry, and he’s right. The fact that Waltz does it while speaking 4 languages is quite a remarkable achievement. If he’s doesn’t win every major acting award there is then it just exposes awards ceremonies for the shams that most people already think they are.

I walked out of this with the same feeling I had walking out of ‘There Will Be Blood’, utterly convinced that we don’t have to look back in the annals of film to see masterpieces. They’re right in front of us.

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As an addition I should say I’m working on another piece about this film, but I want to wait until the film has been on release for another few weeks and most people have had the chance to see it.

Review: GI JOE - The Rise of Cobra

Tone is a difficult thing to get right. In a lot of ways it's the crux of everything that's put to page or screen. For instance, you cannot make a slapstick comedy about the Holocaust (Lord knows I've tried) and at the same time you can't treat something like...oh I don't know 'Transformers' with po-faced seriousness.

GI JOE sets up a tone of its own. Almost everyone involved (With one glaring exception which we'll get to later) is in on the joke. It's so gloriously stupid that it's hard not to give it a good review just for trying. There's nothing in the film that suggests it has a grounding in the real world. Instead it seems to take place in a world that looks like our own, but it's a world where 'Team America: World Police' was a documentary and not a comedy.

Usually this is the point in a review where I would explain the plot, but I don't think it would do any good. It basically involves Christopher Eccleston's evil Scottish Weapons designer (Having a lot more fun here than he did in 'Gone in 60 seconds') stealing his own world destroying weapons and some other plot points that I won't mention. There to stop his nefarious deeds is the crack team of GI JOE, made up of the 'best of the best' as these things usually are. It also speaks to my ignorance of 80's Hasbro toys that I thought GI JOE was actually a person.

GI JOE is a world in which people's names actually appear to be Snake Eyes, Stormshadow and Ripcord rather than nicknames they've somehow obtained through some childhood hijinx. It's a film that begins in 1641 for no good reason, other than to watch a man have a red hot mask welded to his face. It's also a film in which characters suffer some sort of flashback syndrome, in some cases they flashback in the middle of a fight scene; often to another fight scene.

Stephen Sommers made his name with 'The Mummy' films (Though he was absent for part 3, perhaps wisely). But for me his magnum opus will always be 'Deep Rising', a sadly underseen treat that plays up to its B-Movie roots. GI JOE comes close to replicating the same thing. It's literally a Cartoon that's come to life, and the cast know it. They know you can't even begin to approach this type of material seriously, unlike the earlier 'Transformers 2'. The dialogue is often the on the nose nonsense you find in Saturday morning cartoons, and Dennis Quaid in particular seems to have fun delivering it.

The rest of the cast follow suit. That is except Channing Tatum, in the lead role, and sadly for us the actor is a complete charisma vacuum. He delivers every line as if he's trying to convince himself that he memorised the script, like a child and his timetables. Even the usually unbearable Marlon Wayans is a lot more enjoyable, and when that's the case you know you're in trouble as an actor. Things get worse when Brendan Fraser shows up in a very brief cameo and only reminds you how much better he is for this type of film. Sienna Miller proves herself to have a career in villainy (And as a brunette) and Rachel Nichols just outright looks gorgeous (Speaking to my long dormant secret love for redheads).

I'm tempted to see the film a second time. I need to see it again just to be sure that a characters name is actually "Dr Mindbender" and not something I mis heard. I need to see Joseph Gordon Levit laugh maniacally like any true Cartoon villain. And I want to see Paris getting partially destroyed, lord knows they deserve it.

Trailer round-up!

In lieu of anything actually resembling content I decided to throw up links to some trailers you may not have seen.

1. Command Performance

Dolph Lundgren is a Rock Drummer who fights terrorists at a Rock Concert. That's all I need to say.

Command Performance

2. Hot Tub Time Machine

Just watch it.

Hot Tub Time Machine

3. Ninja Assassin

Korean star, the inexplicably titled 'Rain' stars in James McTeigue's follow up to 'V for Vendetta'. Lots of action, though I don't think the 'Assassin' part of the title was needed, what else is he going to do? Sell Insurance?

Ninja Assassin

4. The Book of Eli

Finally the Hughes Brothers return to film making. 'Dead Presidents' is probably one of the best films of the 90's, and not nearly enough people have seen it.

The Book of Eli

5. Alice In Wonderland

I don't really know why I'm recommending this. If this was about 10 years ago I'd be all over it, instead all I see is Tim Burton being Tim Burton, and Johnny Depp being weird. Too many flashbacks to 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'.

Alice In Wonderland

The Room

"You're tearing me APART Lisa!" - Johnny (Tommy Wiseau) gives it all he's got.


It’s hard to make something that’s misguided in almost every aspect of production. Usually there’s something that just goes ‘right’, a little nugget of production that just works, despite everyone’s best efforts to make sure that it doesn’t. I’ve seen two films to date that achieve this rare feat. One is the forever-in-the-back-of-my-mind ‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’ and the other is now ‘The Room’.

I’m a little late to ‘The Room’ as I suspect most people who see the film will be. This little film, released in 2003 has since grown on with a ‘Shawshank Redemption’ like word of mouth campaign. Once you’ve seen it it’s easy to see why. The film is a remarkable achievement, a cornucopia of failure. Whether it’s the writing, directing or of course the Acting, nothing ‘works’. It’s a perfect storm of defeat.

As a quick example, I’ve seen the film 3 times now but am still perplexed as to what room the title is referring to. Sure the film takes place mostly in a Room, or a series of rooms, but the title leads us to believe that there’s something mysterious going on there, not unlike something from ‘The Twilight Zone’. For that matter it’s not really one ‘Room’ per se. We’re just in a room a lot of the time because Lisa doesn’t seem to do anything that bitch about Johnny and drink wine (We do learn that she’s in the ‘Computer Business’ though any more information than that is in danger of being character development, and is disregarded).

Writer/Director/Producer/Star Tommy Wiseau plays Johnny. Living in San Francisco he’s a banker of some vaguely European origin (I still don’t know where that accent is from – and Wiseau himself isn’t telling). He lives with Lisa, his soon to be Wife. It’s also mandatory that everyone in the film describes her as “Beautiful”. She isn’t. Now I’m not going to put down someone for their looks, that certainly isn’t fair. But it wouldn’t go mentioned if not for the fact that simply every character in the film has to comment on her, so much so that it makes you think they’re referring to some off screen character that just happens to share the same name. Lisa also happens to be having an affair with Johnny’s best friend Mark, an Owen Wilson looking fella with a rocking beard. Also of note is Johnny and Lisa’s neighbour Denny who has a creepy fascination with the couple, to the point of following them up to bed when they’ve made it very clear they’re about to have sex. Just one revelation about the character is that at one point Johnny was planning to adopt him (WHAT!) but instead he’s just paying his rent until he graduates from College. For the record it’s really not clear how old he is. He looks like he should be in College but acts like he’s still in High School. Oh and Denny deals drugs. Can’t forget that important plot development that comes out of nowhere.

If you think that I’m taking a while to get to the plot of ‘The Room’ then you can keep waiting. The film has a blatant disregard for things like Plot or Character and instead goes by its own rules. An act which serves to remind you just how important things like Plot and Character are. Still, it’s all done so earnestly; there’s no feeling that the cast are in on the joke. They just deliver the lines they’re given and they do their best with them. Though as you’ll see even that isn’t good enough.

One of the many many things wrong with ‘The Room’ is that Wiseau seemingly can’t see a character without greeting them with the salutation “Oh Hi...” At one point he even says it to a Dog (“Oh Hi Doggie”). People entering a room (THE ROOM!) almost serves as a constant surprise to Wiseau, as if he expects to go throughout his Day without ever seeing another person.

Still, at the end of all this all I can tell you is that ‘The Room’ cannot really be seen. It must be experienced. The plethora of Youtube clips don’t prepare you for the insanity on display. Whether it’s just the inexplicable decision to shoot the Roof scenes via Green Screen instead of you know...on a Roof or the weird bone that protrudes from Lisa’s neck for a while. I will say this; the film manages to draw you in. You think about it for days afterwards, I’ve started countless conversations with “Oh hi...”, complete with Wiseau accent and then laughed to myself with no one else knowing why. 'The Room' consumes you. I want to show it to all of my friends to make sure I’m not experiencing some kind of fever dream where I’m haunted by a man who looks like a cross between Jean Claude Van Damme, Victor Schiavelli and with hair by Michael Bolton.

Now that I’ve had ‘The Room’ in my life, I can’t imagine a time without it.

Bonus clip: Lisa's Beauty

The Daily Mail are idiots.

Nothing to add other than the title really. The Daily Mail, the paper read only by people who are worried that the end of the world will come from the hand of Immigrants.

It's this kind of shitty journalism that led to the Video Nasties debacle in the 80's. "I've not seen this film, and I'm not going to, but I'm going to offer my opinion on this FILTH anyway".

The sooner the Daily Mail is filed under 'fiction' the better.

Article here.

That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore

Here in Cardiff the wonderful Chapter Cinema hosted the ‘Bad Movie Club’. It’s an idea I wished I’d thought of, show renowned “Bad movies” and people will flock to enjoy them, ironically or otherwise. As a brief digression I think a Movie can be both bad and good at the same time. It’s certainly possible to enjoy a film despite recognizing precisely why other people find it so awful (The classic ‘Commando’ is proof of that – the film is really quite bad but somehow it just works). It’s the very definition of a “guilty pleasure”, a concept I really don’t agree with, if you enjoy a film then you enjoy it. There shouldn’t be anything to feel guilty about. Anyway, the club itself isn’t a bad idea. If you build up an audience you can share your experiences of ‘Bad Movies’ and track them down, a real community experience. Except with this club they have 2 ‘Commentators’ who insist on talking over the film and making “jokes” at its expense. You will notice the quotations over the word “Jokes” there (See! I did it again). And for good reason.

Now in the interest of full disclosure I will say I’m a fan of ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000’. The cult show, now sadly ended, featured a man on a spaceship with two Robot Pals, who would appear as silhouette at the bottom of the screen while the film was playing and make jokes. However, that show was genuinely funny. It was also vastly ahead of its time. Thanks to the YouTube age, anyone can put a clip of something together while they talk over it (Or make farting noises – a worrying trend). However, there’s a reason they were on the TV and everyone else is on YouTube – they’re funny.

The MST3K crew (As us fans call them) would get tapes of films that were in the public domain, which often meant they were the worst of the worst (Manos: The Hands of Fate). The writers would then watch the film, and then watch it again, and again, and again until they were utterly sick of it. All the while they’d write jokes, then delete them or work on them. Then write some more. These days some Jackass with a copy of ‘Cobra’ on DVD and a Microphone suddenly thinks they’re a stand up comedian. Plus, if you’re going to ‘Comment’ on a film, pick one that’s more deserving of your Ire, I mean nothing you say will be funnier to witness than the sight of Vernon Wells as the most Gay villain in Cinematic History.



See? Look at him! Replete with Chainmail vest and Freddie Mercury ‘tache, the mere sight of Wells is enough to provoke laughter. Why ruin that? It’s like being down the Pub while your friend tells a joke and a considerably more annoying friend decides to expand on the Punch line, prompting everyone else to stare down into their drinks and wish ill feelings on the poor sod.

So why do it? I was planning on doing an interview of some kind with the Bad Movie Club but they’re now (Sadly) defunct. Maybe they grew up and realised they weren’t funny. Or maybe they just realised that people don’t reserve the same dislike for these films that they themselves do, and find enjoyment just from watching without the need to throw bad jokes at it. Either way, if I'm watching Commando, the only bad jokes I want to hear are my own.

What's in the Box?

On many a social occasion, whether it be a party or just a casual gathering, I’ve been called into question for my love of ‘Murder She Wrote’. Yes you read that right. I have a love for the adventures of Jessica Fletcher and I’m simply not ashamed of it. I recognise why people wouldn’t like it, and I’m not really going to try and defend the show. But after many an occasion of trying to distill my love for the show into a ready response for whenever the situation arises, I came to the conclusion that it’s as simple as this.

I love mysteries.

I like the feeling of being intrigued. I love the set up and I love the denouement. I’ll gladly sit there and watch shows like ‘Criminal Minds’, ‘CSI’ (Not Miami – God not Miami), ‘The Closer’ and ‘Lie To Me’ because I just love the mystery. I love trying to figure things out. It’s not always satisfying. Indeed one of the worst things is having a really interesting mystery end really badly. But I like the not knowing things and I like being kept in the dark. The worst that can happen is having everything spelled out to you in minute detail so that no stone is left unturned. It’s the moment the mystery vanishes, and though we’re always curious to see who did it and why, it’s never the same once you’re told. Everyone wants to know how the Magician does his trick, but no one really wants to know.

One of my favourite shows is ‘Lost’. And apart from the characters, it’s the fact that the show has things it still wants to reveal to me that keeps me coming back. It’s a hook, and I’ll take it gladly. Pun aside, the idea of being lost in a show is such a great experience. There’s no greater response than “I have no idea what’s going on”. I’m sure that Lost won’t be able to end in a completely satisfying way, it’s in danger of buckling under its own ideas, but I’m OK with that, and I made peace with that fact a long time ago.

Sometimes it’s the journey that counts, not the destination.

Now if you’ll excuse me, a painting has gone missing and someone’s just been murdered...admit it, you’re intrigued.